The Last Rendezvous

“Let’s waste time

Chasing Cars

Around our heads.”

~ ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol

***

She entered the restaurant with her new lover. Sitting across three tables was him with a new woman. Maybe his new lover too. It seemed so unreal, the present moment…just like some surreal dream. The situation felt like a Woody Allen movie only with undertones of deep emotions and regrets. They didn’t know why they let each other go. Actually she did know but she was in denial. They promptly let each other walk away. It hit them later. She sat with her new lover by the window-side table overlooking the street outside which was bursting into life. She left it to her new lover to decide what to order for dinner. In the meanwhile she looked at the world pass by outside the window. It was her favourite thing to do. She thought about all the people out there who were living their lives and were getting by every day and facing life as it came. Why was it difficult for her to do the same?

She looked over to him and the memories came rushing back. Past became present. Her thoughts were racing at a blinding speed. Believing in past and living in denial. She always did that. But what about him drew her so closer to him? Maybe it was the fact that she thought even he was equally damaged as she was. Even he had a darker side just as she did which would enable them to bond. But a relationship which rested on the foundations of misery is very fragile. She explored and visited the dustiest corners of her soul when they were together. She broke down all the walls for him and let him in, one room at a time which was full of melancholy. She often felt lonesome in his company.

She loved it when both of them got high on drugs and had the most touching conversations. She never forgot the things that he said to her. Not because they mattered, but because they made her feel like she did. Sometimes the silence that pervaded was comforting. There was no need to talk. But there was always something that lacked in the relationship. She could feel it all the time but could not pin it down. She thought of herself as the ocean. He was fascinated by her depth and emptiness. Except that he simply was a tourist and not an explorer. She did not blame him for it one bit. She often had to apologize to him for the way she felt. She realized that she need not apologize for feeling sad. That wasn’t a sign of a weak mind. It was just that she felt too much. There were things inside her that no one else could see. They held her down like anchors and they drowned her deep in the sea. And that was okay. But he didn’t understand an ounce of it.

***

Dinner was served. She wasn’t really present in the moment but she managed to put up a show. She engaged in half-hearted conversation with her new lover. Now it was time to leave. She glanced at him for one last time. Even he looked at her. Their eyes met which seemed to talk a language which only both of them could understand. She left the restaurant with her new lover and gave him a goodbye kiss. She took a cab back home. She loved the city at night. Amidst the entire chaos and hustle bustle, there was a sense of calmness that permeated her exterior and managed to make her soul stir.

She entered her apartment. It was absolutely clean. Without even changing, she went to the kitchen and made herself a cup of green tea. She poured the tea into her favourite cup. She went and sat on the sofa. She kept the cup on the table beside the sofa. She grabbed a paper and a pen and began writing –

“I just hope, for your sake that you one day find a deep sense of promise in yourself. That you manage to brush away the rubble in your head and find a way to love, and to be loved. It’s something you’ve been without for far too long. And as far as I am concerned, I will live life as it comes and hope for the best.”

She folded the paper and put it in a blue envelope. She sealed the envelope. She felt elated. She found that it was necessary to let things go; simply because of the reason that they are heavy. In the midst of hate and misery, she found there was, within her, an invincible love and hope. In the midst of tears, she found there was an invincible smile. She sipped the tea. She was finally at peace with herself.

***

“Is it even possible to think of somebody in the past?”

~ Nausea, Jean-Paul Sartre

Goodbye 2013!

I write this while having a glass of red wine. (I’ve already guzzled some gin and whiskey) But what the hell! It is New Year’s Eve! It is a cliché to write a year end’s note and all that crap. But for once I felt like entering into mainstream and just go with the flow. I’m going to start on with a very random note…I will not make any paragraphs for this post. Yeah…I’m a rebellious punk! Tee hee! So…here it goes… I wouldn’t really call it a great year. It was absolutely bullocks! Really…This year tested me. More than the highs, I kept on hitting the lows. I felt sucker punched 95% of the time. But the rest 5% was bearable because of my family and friends. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I’m not going to mention any names because the list will be really long. This year taught me couple of things…it taught me to deal with my insecurities and made me realize the fact that though people find other people, it doesn’t change the bond and sentiments that you share with them (if that made any ounce of sense).Life is already complicated. And I get by with a little bit help from friends (Beatles FTW!).  Right now I feel a million things, if that is possible. I guess that’s what makes us human…the ability to feel many complex emotions all at once. Isn’t that marvelous? I don’t really know what else to write  more…my struggles, the people I met, n number of letters that I wrote, the number of times I cried, the times when a warm hug from a friend made things a little bit better, the number of times I got involved with characters from different novels, etc. No amount of words can express all that I felt in this year. It all boils down to only one question – Was it worth it? Of course it was. It has left me better equipped to face new challenges, to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person. That sounds really bull crap coming from a person who is a hardcore cynic. But it is true. This hasn’t been a ‘literary’ post or any soul touching piece of literature, but it is an honest attempt to get across all the emotions that have dwelled within me. Here’s bidding goodbye to 2013. And I hope 2014 brings a lot of good things for all of us. Take care until the next post. Much love…

Inked! Infinite Words...

I wanted a tattoo since a long time. But I didn’t really know of what! Over the years I thought about it and finally decided what I wanted to be tattooed on my body. I wanted to be sure about my thoughts and there was no turning back.  And here’s it! I got a tattoo. Of course it pained and I bled a bit. But it is worth the pain. The end result makes you happy and the fact that your belief has been etched on your body makes you smile with joy.

I believe that all of us are made up of words. Some words are said, some go unsaid, some are written and some are not. Some words are understood without being spoken out loud and yet get our emotions across to people. We express ourselves through words. They are a part of our existence. Some words can break our heart and some have the power to turn things around. Words impact us greatly. Also, I write a lot and through writing I express myself better. Literature too is made up of vast combination of infinite words. I have an unconditional and irrevocable love for words. I think about them all the time, the way they fit together and create magic. They show you things in a completely different light. Words are infinite just like our hope.

Playing with Broken Glass

“Some will win. Some will lose.  Some were born to sing the blues”

                echoes Journey’s song on the radio.

Night is as dark as the coffee I drink.

                2 am.  Smoke of cigarettes creates a haze,

not a White haze but a Blue one.

                The sound of silence is broken by the shattering of the glass.

The shards of glass are strewn across the floor.

2:16 am, the Blue haze still persistent.

I pick up a few pieces and observe them,

some catch my fancy and some instantly make me uneasy.

Shards of glass like debris of memories lie motionless 

on the floor, glistening in the light.

I look through a piece. All that I feel and see are Blue memories.

Blue. Not Black. Not White. But Blue.

No, I’m not colour blind. I know the world is Black and White.

Beyond the dichromatic hues, only the shades of Blue are visible.

I drop all the pieces and by mistake step on a piece of glass.

I bleed Blue.

The Force

It is so difficult to keep your head above water when there’s this constant force which is pulling you down. And when your head is underwater, submerged…you don’t really know how to breathe. There are voices in your head which tell you ‘Remember to breathe’. As the descent continues you wonder, has it all come down to breathing? Don’t you deserve a chance to choose how would you like to sink? How about in a clean swimming pool with chlorine stinging your eyes when you are trying to keep your eyes open and making sense of things? Or maybe in a muddy river which hauls your body as the water slowly begins to fill your lungs? Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to choose how you want to exit. Anyway, all of it is going to gush in as the downward force becomes overpowering and paralyses everything. Even the feeble attempts to save yourself are so futile that you eventually give in and accept the fate that you have to fade away; that you have to go down. In ‘Hollow Men’, Eliot had said –

“This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Maybe he was not referring to the apocalyptic prophecy but our fates…the sheer doomed nature of it. You just fade into the background and people won’t even come to know. Don’t expect a grand exit because theatrics aren't in your favour, though you might love them.