Goodbye 2013!

I write this while having a glass of red wine. (I’ve already guzzled some gin and whiskey) But what the hell! It is New Year’s Eve! It is a cliché to write a year end’s note and all that crap. But for once I felt like entering into mainstream and just go with the flow. I’m going to start on with a very random note…I will not make any paragraphs for this post. Yeah…I’m a rebellious punk! Tee hee! So…here it goes… I wouldn’t really call it a great year. It was absolutely bullocks! Really…This year tested me. More than the highs, I kept on hitting the lows. I felt sucker punched 95% of the time. But the rest 5% was bearable because of my family and friends. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I’m not going to mention any names because the list will be really long. This year taught me couple of things…it taught me to deal with my insecurities and made me realize the fact that though people find other people, it doesn’t change the bond and sentiments that you share with them (if that made any ounce of sense).Life is already complicated. And I get by with a little bit help from friends (Beatles FTW!).  Right now I feel a million things, if that is possible. I guess that’s what makes us human…the ability to feel many complex emotions all at once. Isn’t that marvelous? I don’t really know what else to write  more…my struggles, the people I met, n number of letters that I wrote, the number of times I cried, the times when a warm hug from a friend made things a little bit better, the number of times I got involved with characters from different novels, etc. No amount of words can express all that I felt in this year. It all boils down to only one question – Was it worth it? Of course it was. It has left me better equipped to face new challenges, to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person. That sounds really bull crap coming from a person who is a hardcore cynic. But it is true. This hasn’t been a ‘literary’ post or any soul touching piece of literature, but it is an honest attempt to get across all the emotions that have dwelled within me. Here’s bidding goodbye to 2013. And I hope 2014 brings a lot of good things for all of us. Take care until the next post. Much love…

Inked! Infinite Words...

I wanted a tattoo since a long time. But I didn’t really know of what! Over the years I thought about it and finally decided what I wanted to be tattooed on my body. I wanted to be sure about my thoughts and there was no turning back.  And here’s it! I got a tattoo. Of course it pained and I bled a bit. But it is worth the pain. The end result makes you happy and the fact that your belief has been etched on your body makes you smile with joy.

I believe that all of us are made up of words. Some words are said, some go unsaid, some are written and some are not. Some words are understood without being spoken out loud and yet get our emotions across to people. We express ourselves through words. They are a part of our existence. Some words can break our heart and some have the power to turn things around. Words impact us greatly. Also, I write a lot and through writing I express myself better. Literature too is made up of vast combination of infinite words. I have an unconditional and irrevocable love for words. I think about them all the time, the way they fit together and create magic. They show you things in a completely different light. Words are infinite just like our hope.

Playing with Broken Glass

“Some will win. Some will lose.  Some were born to sing the blues”

                echoes Journey’s song on the radio.

Night is as dark as the coffee I drink.

                2 am.  Smoke of cigarettes creates a haze,

not a White haze but a Blue one.

                The sound of silence is broken by the shattering of the glass.

The shards of glass are strewn across the floor.

2:16 am, the Blue haze still persistent.

I pick up a few pieces and observe them,

some catch my fancy and some instantly make me uneasy.

Shards of glass like debris of memories lie motionless 

on the floor, glistening in the light.

I look through a piece. All that I feel and see are Blue memories.

Blue. Not Black. Not White. But Blue.

No, I’m not colour blind. I know the world is Black and White.

Beyond the dichromatic hues, only the shades of Blue are visible.

I drop all the pieces and by mistake step on a piece of glass.

I bleed Blue.

The Force

It is so difficult to keep your head above water when there’s this constant force which is pulling you down. And when your head is underwater, submerged…you don’t really know how to breathe. There are voices in your head which tell you ‘Remember to breathe’. As the descent continues you wonder, has it all come down to breathing? Don’t you deserve a chance to choose how would you like to sink? How about in a clean swimming pool with chlorine stinging your eyes when you are trying to keep your eyes open and making sense of things? Or maybe in a muddy river which hauls your body as the water slowly begins to fill your lungs? Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to choose how you want to exit. Anyway, all of it is going to gush in as the downward force becomes overpowering and paralyses everything. Even the feeble attempts to save yourself are so futile that you eventually give in and accept the fate that you have to fade away; that you have to go down. In ‘Hollow Men’, Eliot had said –

“This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Maybe he was not referring to the apocalyptic prophecy but our fates…the sheer doomed nature of it. You just fade into the background and people won’t even come to know. Don’t expect a grand exit because theatrics aren't in your favour, though you might love them. 

Of Belonging and Understanding

Vacations are over. I’m already through a week of college. Yes, I’m in the final year now (graduation, bitches!). I don’t know how I feel about that. But the best part is that I’m studying English Literature. Finally! Vacations were a bit disappointing as my much awaited Himalayan trek got canned. So, for a couple of days I was cribbing. Most of my time was spent by reading books and watching movies, as usual. The entire enterprise of socializing didn’t seem appealing and seemed pretty doomed; hence, the quest to find solace in the fictional world. Also, my 365 Days Project kept me busy; I wrote many letters and postcards throughout my vacation and I’m still doing that. Somehow it is very self contradictory -wanting to reach out to people through letters and create a memorabilia and yet seeming distant from them. But what the hell! Letters make me happy.

There isn’t any specific reason for this blog post. Just random musings because I wanted to shake things off. I was pondering over a few things…one of them being the purpose of literature and fiction. As Josh Radnor had put forth in Liberal Arts – “The purpose of fiction is to combat loneliness.” I feel it is very profound. I believe in every ounce of it. The problem begins when I try to find human equivalents of these characters. Then the eternal fear seeps in – that life wouldn’t turn out to be like literature. It is said that art imitates life which in turn transmutes life. But what if life wants to imitate these crazy imaginations and utopian ideas in our heads? Is that even possible? It is sort of living in a denial. Does that mean everything that I’m trying to achieve and the journey to reach somewhere, somewhere that I belong, is all a feeble and a futile attempt?

Things don’t always work out in our favour. Mick Jagger has taught me that – “You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well you might find…You get what you need.” Life is already complicated enough. And to add to that we have to fight these existential demons which haunt us and the ghouls of the past. Problems exist for everyone. They mean different to different people. They are not comparable. The fact remains that they do exist; we’ve got to find ways to deal with them and try to feel okay about them.

I’ve been making some amends…rejuvenating old bonds. It is a universal fact that people drift apart. It is bound to happen. Everyone differs in their thoughts and has different perspectives. We need to find a common thread that keeps us tied together. Everyone has a valid reason for being however they are. Only if everyone was sensitive and understanding enough to accept people the way they are. The other day I was having a random chat with a friend on Facebook. I love these random conversations.  It gives you these little moments to understand people and that in turn defines the closeness and the thought process. It enables us to live in that very moment which escalates into something larger and meaningful...something worth living for. I shall wrap up with a quote from the movie Before Sunrise, this quote speaks volumes and is very thoughtful-

"I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt."