Musings during jamming

Smoke rising
Guitar strumming
Bass pumping.
I can't but I must.
Beats on eardrum
Teardrop on plectrum
Fearless on my breath
Skin, Touch, Emotion
Makes me brighter.
Fearless on my breath.

Circle of Fiction

http://caffeinatedbook.tumblr.com/post/126581423519/circle-of-fiction

Mid-Party Musings

http://caffeinatedbook.tumblr.com/post/126264422689/mid-party-musings

Aporia

It was a cool winter evening. He sat alone on the bench in a garden. He was wearing a black t-shirt, jeans and a vintage waistcoat with a shawl wrapped around his neck. He sat smoking cigarettes; exhaling all his sorrows with the smoke. It was already the 6^th day since the New Year began. He found it funny how the people from all his previous years ceased to be a part of his life in the New Year. That’s the thing with regrets. They collect like old friends. He flicked the ash on the grass and saw it gyrate as it fell down; spinning out of control and falling limply. He took another drag of his cigarette and thought about nothing. Is it even possible to not think of absolutely nothing? The human brain works in mysterious ways. He couldn’t think of anything worse than growing old. He was only good at being young. He could hear himself growing older and that scared him. He sometimes got lonely; but only around people. What he really wanted was for someone to understand but they usually don’t. He thought to himself, “I will have literature, poetry, art, music and adventure in my life. And love. Love above all.” Unfortunately he was also scared of loving someone. Maybe it wasn’t meant for him. He felt a strange sensation in his soul when he thought he loved someone. That feeling usually led to a formation of a void within him. It grew bigger and bigger as he got closer and closer to people. It was a bit ironic in a way. Maybe that’s what his problem was. He was petrified of love and to think of the fact that his life would come to a standstill when that love was gone. What is lost is lost forever. No one can fill that empty space, that empty gap, because each one is made up of such specific details. It is said that one cannot find peace by ignoring life. What if he was contempt with loneliness and did in fact find peace by ignoring life and being on his own? He found the idea of being complete with someone to be evil. Why couldn’t someone be happy all by themselves? He lit another cigarette unconsciously and began to think about deep philosophical questions. What is the meaning of life? He didn’t want to set himself on fire in order to keep others warm and to illuminate their lives. He had stopped that long ago. That was one thing which he learned over the years. What he needed the most was a shoulder to lean on; someone to listen all that he felt. Not a romantic partner per se, but anyone who would understand his dustiest and darkest corners of his soul. Sky began to darken. The night fell silently. It was time to pack all his thoughts and head home.

Book Review: Em and the Big Hoom

Author: Jerry Pinto

Publisher: Aleph

Pages: 235

Price: Rs. 295

Jerry Pinto’s novel deals with much less talked about topic – Depression. It is the story of Imelda Mendes, ‘Em’ to her children who is a manic depressive. Her innumerable suicide attempts get her into Ward 33 (Psychiatric), Sir J. J. Hospital. The story begins in media res, as all great pieces of epic writing begin. But it is not an epic. It is rather a testimony of the narrator who remains unmanned throughout the novel. It is his quest in order to understand his eccentric mother and get to the bottom of her personality before and after depression.

Pinto is a ubiquitous figure in the Mumbai literary scene. He has managed to weave together a neat semi-memoir disguised as a piece of fiction which is painstakingly heartbreaking and darkly humorous. The novel is quite a bit funny at times. The comic reliefs which are usually a bit scandalizing provide light moments in the course of the novel. It perfectly captures the depressive lows and ephemeral highs of someone who is afflicted with mental illness.

Mental illness is something that causes agony, pain, sympathy and a myriad range of emotions which keep us away from entering the realm of understanding of what it is to be in that predicament. Pinto writes with a lot of ease about a topic which is not openly discussed. Writing about something like depression is not easy. One needs to be articulate with thoughts and ideas. There is an underlying coherence in the novel which permeates the psyche of the reader. The novel is made up of anecdotes which are unfolded through the eyes of the narrator. The narrator tends to be a figure that attracts our sympathy as well as scorn.

The character of Em is central and most important in the novel. The entire story revolves around her. She is a quintessential Goan-Catholic living with her family in a one-bedroom-hall-kitchen flat in Mahim. The locale itself gives the reader a slight idea of the community to which Em belongs. It adds to the characterization. Before her marriage to the ‘Big Hoom’, her husband (Augustine), Em was perfectly alright. It is only after the birth of the narrator she begins to start experiencing depression. The way Pinto has described depression leaves the reader speechless. “After you were born, someone turned on a tap. At first it was only a drip, a black drip, and I felt sadness.”

The novel makes use of old letters and certain anecdotes. The semi-epistolary form and an interview like form of the novel enable the reader to witness vivid events that have occurred in the past. One tends to get engrossed in the story. The characterization of Em is moving in the sense that it is highly detailed and peculiar. Pinto draws an intricate portrait of the narrator who is filled with anguish, who wants to empathize with his mother and at times is absolutely fed up because of a dysfunctional manic depressive. It is hard for him to make peace with his mother’s condition. Through this novel it becomes clear that the opposite of depression in not happiness but vitality. It is the loss of vitality that sabotages Em’s life.

The cover art of the book is rather interesting. It has snippets from Salman Rushdie, Kiran Desai and Amitav Ghosh about what they have to say regarding the novel. This book is highly moving and shows depression in a completely different light. It is a touching narrative of a family which is held together by the woman who is flamboyant. It is a detailed study of a mental illness and also a deeply moving story about love and family relationships. It won’t disappoint you one bit and will leave you spellbound with its poignancy.

PS – I was fortunate to meet Jerry Pinto at Shivaji Park. My friend, Mohima, contacted him and he invited us to meet him at Barista. I was very delighted at the thought of meeting him considering that how much I loved the book. I also got my book signed by him.